My ‘aha’ Moment…

Monday, July 02, 2012

This is my letter to you.
The words are from my heart and it hurts me to say many of the things that I am admitting to you. We have known each other for so long and yet I never realized that we were truly strangers.
I feel like I have let you down and yet you have always been there for me.
I always thought that I loved you.
I never before realized that what I was doing to you was hurting you and maybe even abuse from time to time.
Never in my life would I ever dream of treating anyone the way I have treated you.
My demands on you have been endless.
I expected you to give 100% each and every time, even though the work was often expected to be done for free.
Yeah, I know…
I am sorry.
It is not enough, but it is what I have to say to be able to create a partnership with you that I should have worked on a long time ago.
A partnership.
It is the only way we can survive.
I didn’t realize it until this morning.
I have been so unfair.
I know there were times that I did my part, but I realize now that those times were few and far between.
Why did you stick by me?
It is even harder to believe that you have continued to be there for me when I blamed you for so many things!
I blamed you for letting me down.
I blamed you and have hated you for throwing so many things at me.
I went out to run this morning and when it became clear to me that you weren’t going to cooperate, I was mad.
Not only was I mad, but I wanted to just give up.
You failed me and so I saw this whole thing as a complete failure.
I thought for a few moments that I was a failure.
It is probably a good thing that I am stubborn.

Me and my cute running shoes would just have to settle for a walk in the ridiculous heat and humidity because you just suck!

I am not gonna lie…I was mad and disappointed that you let me down, yet again.
I have an official 5k to run on Wednesday and you decided to pull this crap…
Oh well, what’s new!?!

What was it, about 2.5 miles in?
I had changed the music and a song came on. A song that brought me to tears. Yeah, I walked for the next mile with tears running down my face. Sobbing. Probably looked crazy. I don’t care though.
The words that hit me the hardest…

I need you,
You need me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
Stand with me,
Agree with me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.

No, I don’t really consider myself an overly religious person. Yes, I recently started going back to church and it may not be for everyone, and that’s ok, too.

I needed today.
We needed today!

Another line of the song:

You are important to me, I need you to survive.

I probably could have stood stronger if I had been hit with a ton of bricks.
Wow…
Why didn’t I see it before?
It wasn’t you that had let me down.
It was me!
I have failed you over and over again!
You have been my strength all along.
You have been patiently waiting for this partnership to form. You took the abuse, you didn’t shrink from the hatred and loathing. You have quietly grown stronger with each and every day, even though you weren’t getting what you needed from me.

I wonder how often it is the body that is willing. but the mind that is weak?
I am so sorry that it took me so long to realize what I now know.

I need you to survive.
No, the song wasn’t written with that purpose in mind, but it is exactly what I needed.

I get it now.
My heart & lungs have always been strong enough, my legs will carry me wherever I ask them to. Even my hands & arms have met with every demand I have placed on them despite their weakness and unfortunate disability.
You, my body, have never let me down.
Yes, you have thrown me some curve balls and I am not too happy about all the food allergies and intolerances, but I guess those things are a very small price to pay for all the things I have put you through and for completely giving up on you more times than I could even count.

Yeah, I may be smart enough to have been awarded all kinds of ribbons and cords to wear at my college graduation, but I have been a fool!
For that, I am sorry.

There will never be another Personal Best like I had today. Today’s PB had nothing to do with my run. It had to do with me. Today, at 43 years old…I became a whole person.
There was a mind – body connection that has always been missing.

Yeah, I stopped crying, wiped the snotty nose and for some reason…I started to run after struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I ran for another 3+ miles and for the first time in my life, my eyes burned from my own sweat running into them. I had gone 6.4 miles and I felt amazing! Still do…

For strength.
For health.
For the love of my own body.

THAT’S why I ran today. Maybe I won’t ever run again. It doesn’t really matter.
But I get it now.

Yes, to you…
My beautiful body, I am so sorry and I hope this letter and this day will never be forgotten.
I promise to never let you down!

I need you to survive.

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Tags: fitness aha, health, healthy living, making changes, running, sweat pink