When I started my blog, I had a mentor (still do lol) that I ask questions and look up to. She is fellow Sweat Pink Ambassador, Courtney Norman from Journey of a Dreamer. I asked her what advise she could give me about writing a good blog? (If you haven’t been following her, you should! She is phenomenal and inspirational!) Her advise was to be real with my readers, so I wrote my Aha moment in August. It was scary, but in a way I felt it freed me from my past and opened the door for my future. I am going to re-share it with you.
Someone asked me what my health/fitness goals actually were and why I am doing this? Well it is a very long story, but here we go…..When I was younger, I was skinny. Not healthy skinny, I would say it was what they now call skinny fat. I ate maybe twice a day, mostly junk. I drank WAY too much alcohol and soda. I smoked cigarettes and marijuana. I was what most called a party girl. I slept very little and spent a lot of time in bars are at parties.
I was in no way happy with life! I spent a lot of time depressed with a fake smile. I thought the life I was leading was how things just were. I was with my then husband since the age of 14. We married when I was 21. We spent most of the time drunk to be honest. We had a friend move in and the drinking became a big problem, then I had found out out my dad’s leukemia was getting worse, that is when everything spun out of control. The alcohol and partying became so bad, my health started declining. I had debilitating migraines. They were so bad that I had to seek the help of a neurologist. Many tests were ran and I was pumped full of so many drugs. It seriously scared me. I went through a period of time where one of the drugs I was on started affecting my speech and motor skills. I had a stutter, lost hearing in one ear, lost over 30lbs in weight that I really didn’t have to lose, and my hands locked up. It took months to recover even after I stopped taking the prescriptions they gave me. I decided to quit taking the meds altogether and that I would just deal with the headaches.To this day, the hearing in my left ear is still gone and I still have the occasional stutter.
I didn’t drink at all when I was sick. I was lonely and depressed. It seemed like none of my friends ever called or even asked how I was. I later found out that most of them were never told I was in the hospital or sick. My family didn’t know! When I finally was back home, everyone I knew was out partying. I had a few friends at work who took the time to care for me emotionally, others just wanted to know when I would be bar ready again. Needless to say, I had barely sobered up before I started drinking again. I remember a discussion being held in my kitchen with some friends and my then husband. I to be honest, don’t remember what the conversation was about exactly, I just remembered him saying I will never change. This is my lifestyle I like to drink, smoke, and party. I will do this to the day I die. I asked him if he was serious. In his own choice words, he said yes. That hit me like a brick wall. Even though I did drink and party, I still did want more from life! This certainly wasn’t it!!!!
The following weeks were spent a lot with my father. He had been really sick at that time. He decided to tell me he knew I wasn’t happy and asked why I stayed there in my dark place. I didn’t have an answer, but the conversation had me pondering that question every moment of every day! One day My husband and I got into an argument, it wasn’t even a bad one, but it was enough. I simply walked upstairs packed my bags and left. I filed for divorce and I never turned back.
I continued to drink and smoke and live recklessly. I had befriended a gentleman at work and he not only became a shoulder for me to cry on, but a friend to be real with. He started to show me a world I had only been curious about. The drinking slowed down a lot and I was eating better. We joined a gym and started working out. I was in awe of this new lifestyle! I had no idea how fun lifting could be! I had no idea how fun being sober could be lol. This new lifestyle and new friend had me smitten. My friend (Josh) became more than just a friend. We moved in together
One evening we were casually talking about our past lives, where we were from, how we grew up, etc. We decided on a whim to just pick up and move to Texas. He had looked into several job opportunities there, so we sold most of what we owned. I finished up the divorce proceedings and we left. Shortly after moving there we found out we were going to be parents! My reaction was just WOW! His was happiness. I have never in my life seen a man so happy and proud to find out he was going to be a daddy! I was seriously scared! Things were moving so very fast!!!! I even grew fast!
I grew so fast the first doctor we saw thought I was having twins lol. As my belly grew so did our relationship. The drinking and smoking had obviously stopped. I also dusted my Bible off and started reading again. Heathy eating was a concern to an extent. I was a stickler about no artificial colors or preservatives. My biggest vice unfortunately was cheeseburgers and Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream. Neither clean or healthy in any way!!!! Needless to say I continued to grow HUGE!!!!
Once our beautiful girl came into the world our health focuses changed! We had to set an example for this child!!! I want to keep up with her and be here for her!!! You think you understand the meaning behind the saying “things change when you have your own children”. You don’t really grasp what it truly feels like till it actually happens.
We brought her home and life was blessed <3 Then I looked in the mirror naked and reality set in. Oh did the depression set in!!! I am a champ about smiling through pain and hiding my feelings, however late at night when everyone is sleeping, if I am having a depressed moment, I cry. Not just a few weeps here or there, I ugly cry, hard and long. I had a lot of those moments. I have always been my worst critic when it came to my body, but I had never weighed this much before. I was 125 when I got pregnant. I was 185 after Zoe was born.
185 did not sit well with me at all! I started working out I did aerobics, Tae Bo, belly dancing, I tried a lot of things. We moved back to Missouri. Josh bought a weight set and we started lifting again. I got down to 147 and plateaued. I was frustrated. I came across the LiveFit program on bodybuilding.com I started it and the diet. That is where I began learning a lot more about eating clean. Once we started I was hooked.
I was seeing changes and seeing them fast. Then I made the mistake of stepping on the scale. Ugh I gained weight!!! What???? Josh has been a God send! He explained that I gained muscle that I didn’t have before therefore I weighed more than when I was fat. He just kept drilling that into my head. We moved again and were staying with his parents. Between that and the holidays, I fell off the healthy bandwagon. My weight had stayed the same, but my muscle clad body turned pudgy. Depression was rearing it’s ugly head again. One good cry and I knew what had to be done!
I am happy to say, I am back in the gym and working hard as ever. I LOVE lifting and I am finally loving my body!!! My depression has lessened greatly and I am eating right, feeding my family right, and setting a great example for our daughter! Josh and I got married May 20,2012 My dad miraculously started doing better when Zoe was born! He is still currently getting chemo treatments weekly, but is a very proud grandfather and fighting to stay in her life as long as possible!!!!
This trip on the health/fitness train is far from being done, in fact it will never be done! I am proud to say this IS my lifestyle now! My goal now is to not only build substantial muscle, but to have less than 12% body fat. That is a huge feat, but I am well on my way!!!! Just FYI The picture below was taken July 28, 2012 My weight in the picture is 157.8 I am 5’4 and I am ok with this
I have no regrets in my life. Everything has taught me a lesson and molded me to be the person I am now! What are your goals and dreams? Does your lifestyle keep you from them? Would you change everything in your life just to be happy?